It took me 17 weeks to finally LET IT GO.
The training, the food prepping, the macro calculating,
The weighing and portioning of food,
The booking of the tanning, hair, and makeup,
Purchasing the suit, the heels, and the accessories.
Each week I did everything I was supposed to do for this bikini competition.
But as each week went by,
And each pound was shed,
And each inch was lost,
I found myself looking in the mirror saying,
"I look good, but it's not good enough."
For a recovering perfectionist, this competition was a completely new head game,
A game I wasn't really prepared to play.
And as the social media likes came in, and the messages of how I'm crushing it flooded my inbox,
I was filled with only temporary happiness.
It left me thinking, "When will it ever be enough?"
When will I ever feel like I'm ENOUGH.
I couldn't help but constantly google bikini competitors and think, "Gosh I don't look like that."
I'm not READY!
Advice is so much easier to give to others, but it stings when the table turns.
I think perfectionism and not feeling good enough affects many people.
Maybe we just don't realize it.
That's why we work longer hours,
Say yes to more things to create a false sense of importance,
Go on fad diets or try quick fixes,
Or never stop to celebrate what we DO accomplish in a day.
At the end of the day, we crawl in bed exhausted, worrying about what didn't get done.
And I don't know about you, but I didn't want to continue living like that.
So I had a decision to make.
I wish I could sit here and type:
FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL, I'm going to be happy with my body and enjoy the journey.
I wish it was that simple.
Because perfectionism wasn't rooted in us overnight, and it's not something that's easy to break.
The feeling of not being good enough didn't land on our plate one morning,
It was cooked and brewed for many years.
It's a process. A sort of back draft of negativity.
We do well for awhile and start to feel amazing,
But then that sudden flow of negativity makes us question just who we think we are.
But just like the air that fuels the fire, we can extinguish those thoughts.
With 3 weeks left in the competition,
I bought the tickets,
And I made the decision that I'm going to SHOW UP.
I'm going to FINISH what I started.
Because that's my CHARACTER.
And my character is so much more important than my waist size or percentage of body fat.
I've started to tell myself that I'm already a winner.
And I've started to celebrate that I've let myself take a few steps back and journey into the unknown,
Because in the end, it's going to propel me 100 steps forward!
It's OK to not be perfect.
It's OK to not have it all figured out.
Now that's the truth!
*Did you know I'm not a Published Author! Check out my first book, Break the Mould: Become Fit, Fearless, and Fierce in the Life you Deserve- here!*