When someone throws hatred, negativity, and anger at me, I have to write.
Sometimes I write these blogs with no intention to ever post them.
Most times I write them for redemption.
Redemption for the relationship with myself.
Because that's the only one I can control.
And it's the only one in which I can forgive myself,
And know that I'm not the one who is broken.
I write because if I try to shovel my feelings under the carpet, it's my own sanity that suffers.
Suffering with trying to make a relationship right.
And try as hard as you will, you can't make anyone do anything.
You can't make someone love you.
You can't make someone be proud of you.
You can't make someone be the person they should be.
And you can't control when they are going to emotionally sucker punch you.
So when that happens, like last night,
I grieve and I forgive.
I grieve the thought of what could be.
Of someone who calls me to tell me they are proud of me,
Instead of calling me soul-less and telling me that I don't have a conscience because our views of the past conflict.
Of the picture in my mind that we can be a family, laughing and telling stories at the table, sharing a meal and memories,
Instead of someone so desperately trying to use their influence for evil and like a bully, turn a family against a child.
Because no matter what age you are, you need guidance and love.
I grieve the times when I want to pick up the phone and have someone be proud of all I'm achieving, or have someone tell me it's OK to fail.
I grieve those moments when I should have someone to call,
But that someone has been emotionally absent.
I grieve the awkward moments trying to pick out a card in the store as the heartfelt sentiments don't resonate with me,
Because I don't feel love for a person who wants to hurt me.
I grieve the broken pieces of them.
Because if they weren't broken, they wouldn't be trying to break me.
*Is their a relationship or person who is still living that you grieve?*
We all deserve to be unconditionally loved,
Not loved with conditions,
Not loved with attachments,
Or the recipient of hate when their ego is marred.
I grieve for the one person in my life who is supposed to be the proudest person in the world of me,
Yet the person who wants to bring me the most pain.
I grieve because I can't understand.
So among the hurtful words, hateful message, and pushing me to the point of breaking,
I find my redemption in forgiveness.
I fill my void by being the best parent I can be to my son.
And I make myself bulletproof,
Shielded in love from my husband, my son, my friends, my team.
Some people see therapists,
Some people drink.
And hopefully one day,
I won't have to grieve.
You're worth it.