"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life, when I wanted to die."- Juliette Lewis
This blog might make some of you feel uncomfortable--
I recently got that criticism about my book from a person who didn't know me.
It might make you think differently of me--
And that's OK.
A mentor of mine once said to me,
"Do you want to build a business that scratches the surface, or do you want to get real with people?"
I think you know the answer.
I'd rather live my life in the arena than from the sidelines.
You see- THE FEELS.
They are a bitch sometimes.
They don't go away,
No matter how hard you try to push them away, drink them away, busy yourself and work them away- they just don't.
And for 20 years, I've been trying to do all of that.
Make no mistake, I'm a firecracker.
I'm compassionate, empathetic, trusting, hard working, loving, fun, and I BEAM with positivity.
I have a degree as a nurse, more fitness and nutrition certifications than I can count, an AMAZING husband, an ADORABLE son, AWESOME friends,
A bad ass coaching and training business that is booming, and I'm HAPPY.
But it doesn't mean I'm invincible.
It doesn't mean that I don't struggle.
And I've tried so long to deny the fact that words don't hurt me,
Because people don't get it.
We've been taught to honor our Father and Mother, or to simply "get over things."
Those who have been verbally and emotionally abused are accused of being "overly- sensitive."
But what I've learned is that words make you feel.
And sometimes the most unhelpful feelings come up at the times when you least expect it.
For me, criticism and abandonment are a trigger.
So this past week when I got an incredibly hateful online book review,
And my "best friend/soul sister" business partner decided to walk away from the business we built,
It triggered ALL KINDS OF FEELS, that I wasn't ready for.
It's proof, I thought!
That I AM stupid and entitled.
Fake, fat, unworthy of love.
Lucky to have someone who loves me, and a job, (insert negative feedback loop here....)
All those words were TRUE! I thought.
But were they?
In my moment, the lowest of the low, when I thought that one action could take the pain away,
And my family, friends, clients could have a better mom, wife, trainer, friend, one they deserved,
I realized something.
I looked down at the messages I received.
Dozens of people asking if I was OK.
Dozens of people telling me how much I impacted their life and helped them with my mentorship.
And I look at my son.
My innocent, sweet, loving son, who only sees me as his awesome mom.
And I realized that I don't need to give up,
But part of me DOES HAVE TO DIE.
CRASH AND BURN, NEVER LOOK BACK- DIE.
And the only way I'm going to re-build from within, is to let that part die.
I'm really, really, really good at what I do.
I get people physical and financial results, and I'm awesome at helping others BUST THROUGH BLOCKS.
But now it's my time to place that same time, energy, and effort on myself.
I forgot there was an even higher level for me, because I was being dragged down.
To get to that next level here's what I plan to do:
1. I need therapy. Not because I'm weak. But because I'm strong. And my husband and friends (although quite willing and supportive) don't need to hear the burden of my past, because they don't know how best to help me and it's not their fault. It's mine for letting it debilitate me for so long.
2. I have a choice. To remember the good. The blame eloquently. Because if I wasn't dealt a mom with borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't be the driven woman that I am and it's time to let go of that blame.
3. I need better self-care. Out in NATURE. I am religious with my workouts and nutrition, but I need to get back into LIFE and away from my computer, at my kitchen table, or outside the walls of the places I teach at or the car that I drive in.
4. I have to be a ninja with my circle. No more spending time talking to people I don't want to talk to, putting out fires for others, and trying to SAVE everyone. You can only help those who want to be helped, who put forth the effort, or who genuinely add value and love to your life.
5. I need to SLOW DOWN to speed up. I need to trash my vision board. Why? Because accomplishing things doesn't make you happy. I'm trashing my to-do list and adding in some celebration, growth, and learning time.
It's time to have a funeral for my grief, my pain, my past labels, my doubt, my worries and for anyone and anything that makes me question my worth.
What do you need to have a funeral for?
Black it out and don't look back.
*To read more about what I'm letting go of, and my 3 tips to get focused- You can pick up a copy of my book here*