That's what I said to myself when I looked in the mirror.
I do, I really do,
Hoping the rational side of my brain would stop me.
I've never been one to take my time with decisions.
I'm a jump first, ask questions later kind of gal.
And I don't actually LIKE running.
But it's a sport where you can't escape yourself.
In 36 years on this planet, you'd think I know who I am.
But strip away the titles, the roles, the degrees, the certifications,
Who are we, really?
That's the question I've been trying to answer.
I know that I stand for unconditional love, confidence, strength, grit, resilience, and being your own boss,
But in an effort to constantly push my comfort zone, the people pleaser and perfectionist leaves me with anxiety in new situations.
I'm that girl who's stomach turns when she has to speak up in break out group session and present her thoughts,
Or I over analyze the question that I'm going to ask my mentor and miss key points because I'm so in my own head.
It's like I need a warm up, a pep talk, just to be able to speak the unknown.
Perhaps I don't share enough my warm up process.
I always deliver the goods, in the most confident, authentic, actionable way,
But damn, does it take a lot of time to get myself warmed up and in that mindset to take the focus off me, and into my audience.
So.....When did I adopt this belief that I'm not good enough?
That's why I'm searching for,
With every step that hits that pavement day in and day out.
I've run 5k's before.
Balls to the walls, wham bam, thank you ma'am, over and done kind of races.
But a marathon, you have lots of time to think.
You can't sprint your way through 26.2.
My last big fitness goal was my bikini competition in 2016.
But sadly, that dug up some insecurities with perfection that I didn't realize I had.
I'm proud that I trained like a beast for it, but that kind of mindset wasn't sustainable.
That kind of coaching wasn't what I wanted to continue to do.
I'm taking a break from my health coaching because as they say, you can't pour from an empty cup.
I'm taking a few months just for me, my thoughts, my journey, and for once, I'm not rushing the process.
I'm not sure when I'll be 26.2 ready,
Right now, I'm going one step, one thought, one day at a time.